Dec. 25th, 2010 04:22 am
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[personal profile] rightangles
It's Christmas. I always get sad at the holidays. Between the cute romance of Christmas and the super celebration with friends of New Years Eve, it kills me. Since I have no romance and I have no friends, etc.

We had Christmas Eve at my uncle's with my dad's side of the family tonight. It was rough. My entire extended family was there -- that's five aunts and uncles, about ten cousins, and several family friends -- and I was literally the only single person there. (I am excluding the two great-grandchildren, since neither one of them is more than five years old, and my cousin, who is single but in a very involved relationship with drugs.) As if that wasn't bad enough, we watched home videos from a Christmas almost twenty years ago, and it's so painful to see how old everyone's become. My grandfather's dead. My favorite aunt was lying down all night, sick from chemotherapy and cancer. My grandmother can barely move on her own. Everything is just so different now. We are old and dying, and it was so painfully obvious tonight. And I am so dreadfully alone.

So... add all the bad shit with Christmas in general... and the shit about getting old... and all the stress I've been going through at work in retail during the holiday season in a shitty economy... and I'm in a rather unstable mood. I've burst into near-tears about ten times since I got home, and I literally don't want to do anything -- no WoW, no reading, no writing, nothing -- except sleep. That's always a good sign, I think.

I've always said that life is like a glass of water that's got a few holes at the bottom, and the water's always spilling out, but there's usually enough water coming in -- through the good things in life, you know, like friends and family and loved ones -- that you don't notice. But lately it feels like I have no water coming in at all. I can sit here objectively and think about how much better my life is than some people, how I should be thankful that I'm a relatively healthy man with a house over my head and blah blah blah, but that's not enough. I have literally nothing, not a single thing, that brings me any joy any more, any happiness, even the slightest bit of sunshine, so to speak. And that's not okay. It's scary and unhealthy and frightening, and I don't know what to do about it.

I just watched Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas. It's not the best sequel in the world, but it's heart-warming, and it always cheers me up at this time of the year. It didn't this time. The message of the movie is all about hope and Christmas, and it just rang so false this year. I feel so hopeless and helpless right now, more alone than I have ever been in my entire life. I keep praying for something to change, something to give, but... I don't know. It feels like nothing ever will, you know? Yes, I know I'm despairing, but... as the characters in Beauty and the Beast would say... C'est la vie!

You're sick of my whining, I know, and I'm sick of sounding so pathetic and woe-is-me on here, but sometimes it helps, even if only a little bit, to vent. Why I don't private these things, I don't know. I guess on some level it feels better if I know someone may read this and commiserate a little. I'm not asking for pity or miracles or advice... just an ear, I guess. Or in this case, since you're reading, an eye. But you know what I mean.

Oh, one more thing. Merry Christmas. I may not have the Christmas spirit at the moment, but I still have nothing but good wishes for you.
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