Grad school... again...

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So, as you know, I've been thinking lately of going back to graduate school. It's been on my mind virtually all the time, and I think I've finally decided to begin considering seriously where to apply this fall.

I have to look further into these schools, but as of right now, I'm considering:

• Pittsburgh
• University of Pittsburgh: The program there is still rather enticing to me, and it's local, which I also really like. I'm not too keen about moving back to Pittsburgh, to be honest, because I'm afraid of falling into old patterns (i.e., old friendships), but I'll navigate those muddy waters if I have to.
• Carnegie Mellon: They have a great Ph. D. program that actually grants a degree in cultural studies rather than English which, let's face it, is really what I want to do. I have to look more into this program, though, because since it's not a traditional English doctorate, I'm not entirely sure it's as valid or respected.
• Boston
• Boston University: My alma mater! I miss it so, and I really know nothing whatsoever of the Ph. D. program there nowadays. The only reason it's even on this list is because it's in Boston and I feel comfortable on campus. I'll have to do more research.
• Tufts: I didn't like this program while I was there, because I felt stifled by its size and offended by one of the professors there. I was also incredibly burnt out. It still is, however, a great school for queer theory, and their funding is amazing. So if I could manage to get accepted again... And I think as long as I learn how to drive before I move back to Medford, I'll be much happier there.

At this point, those are the only schools on my radar. This is not enough. I want to apply to at least five -- maybe seven or eight -- schools so I have choices and a better shot at getting accepted somewhere. I'm tempted to apply to one LOLOLOLOL school... like Harvard or Columbia or Berkeley... just because, but I probably won't. But if you have any suggestions, please feel free to let me know. I'd like a program that's strong in literary theory (cultural studies and queer theory), and I'd like to stay as close to home as possible... nothing that requires airplane travel. So sadly, the west coast is out.

Now, this post seems very confident and determined, and I'm not. I'm very worried that my recommendations won't be as valid because they'll be from professors who haven't seen me or taught me in years. I'm worried that these professors won't even agree to write recommendations for me, since it's been so long. I'm worried that my writing sample is the reason I didn't get into Pitt, and I'm worried I won't be able to write a statement of purpose that isn't sophomoric and self-absorbed. I have to take the GRE again, and I'm worried I won't get nearly as good a score on it. (It's hard to top 99th percentile, which is what I had before. And 96th percentile on the GRE Literature test is rather fabulous, too. And I'd need to take both of them again.)

The way I feel about this is the exact way I feel about my love life. I feel very strongly that I am capable and qualified to complete -- and complete well! -- a doctorate, but I'm afraid that these schools won't see me the same way I see me. I'm afraid I'll get rejected all around again, and if that happens, I just don't know if I'll have the energy or heart to try again.

I'm going to invest tomorrow in a GRE prep book. I've already emailed my old professor from BU who guided me through all of my graduate career, asking her for advice and whether she thinks I still have a shot at getting into a program, despite all the mistakes I've made. I'm going to email two more professors, one from Tufts and one from Pitt, to ask for their advice and to secure possible recommendations in the fall. And I'm also going to email the English chair at Tufts, who had me for a class during the semester I left, and see if he has any advice, particularly about reapplying to Tufts and the odds that a reapplication will get readmission.

I'm afraid. I know I'm "still young" -- although people have been telling me that now for over a decade, so I can't nearly be as young as I once was -- but I feel like this is it, my Last Chance, that if I don't get something out of this, I'm going to be doomed to a life of sub-par occupation in retail and I will really and truly be nothing more than squandered potential, flailing in the stagnated, Cro-magnon waters of sub-suburban "life." And I think the scariest thought I've ever had, the thing I'm most afraid of in life, is that this is it. That living in my parents' attic, with virtually no friends and literally no loves, in a dead-end minimum-wage part-time retail job is it. It's enough to drive me insane.

Anyway... thoughts on potential schools, on the process, on ways I can improve my application, etc. are all welcomed. Chop chop!