Grad school... again...

So, as you know, I've been thinking lately of going back to graduate school. It's been on my mind virtually all the time, and I think I've finally decided to begin considering seriously where to apply this fall.

I have to look further into these schools, but as of right now, I'm considering:

• Pittsburgh
• University of Pittsburgh: The program there is still rather enticing to me, and it's local, which I also really like. I'm not too keen about moving back to Pittsburgh, to be honest, because I'm afraid of falling into old patterns (i.e., old friendships), but I'll navigate those muddy waters if I have to.
• Carnegie Mellon: They have a great Ph. D. program that actually grants a degree in cultural studies rather than English which, let's face it, is really what I want to do. I have to look more into this program, though, because since it's not a traditional English doctorate, I'm not entirely sure it's as valid or respected.
• Boston
• Boston University: My alma mater! I miss it so, and I really know nothing whatsoever of the Ph. D. program there nowadays. The only reason it's even on this list is because it's in Boston and I feel comfortable on campus. I'll have to do more research.
• Tufts: I didn't like this program while I was there, because I felt stifled by its size and offended by one of the professors there. I was also incredibly burnt out. It still is, however, a great school for queer theory, and their funding is amazing. So if I could manage to get accepted again... And I think as long as I learn how to drive before I move back to Medford, I'll be much happier there.

At this point, those are the only schools on my radar. This is not enough. I want to apply to at least five -- maybe seven or eight -- schools so I have choices and a better shot at getting accepted somewhere. I'm tempted to apply to one LOLOLOLOL school... like Harvard or Columbia or Berkeley... just because, but I probably won't. But if you have any suggestions, please feel free to let me know. I'd like a program that's strong in literary theory (cultural studies and queer theory), and I'd like to stay as close to home as possible... nothing that requires airplane travel. So sadly, the west coast is out.

Now, this post seems very confident and determined, and I'm not. I'm very worried that my recommendations won't be as valid because they'll be from professors who haven't seen me or taught me in years. I'm worried that these professors won't even agree to write recommendations for me, since it's been so long. I'm worried that my writing sample is the reason I didn't get into Pitt, and I'm worried I won't be able to write a statement of purpose that isn't sophomoric and self-absorbed. I have to take the GRE again, and I'm worried I won't get nearly as good a score on it. (It's hard to top 99th percentile, which is what I had before. And 96th percentile on the GRE Literature test is rather fabulous, too. And I'd need to take both of them again.)

The way I feel about this is the exact way I feel about my love life. I feel very strongly that I am capable and qualified to complete -- and complete well! -- a doctorate, but I'm afraid that these schools won't see me the same way I see me. I'm afraid I'll get rejected all around again, and if that happens, I just don't know if I'll have the energy or heart to try again.

I'm going to invest tomorrow in a GRE prep book. I've already emailed my old professor from BU who guided me through all of my graduate career, asking her for advice and whether she thinks I still have a shot at getting into a program, despite all the mistakes I've made. I'm going to email two more professors, one from Tufts and one from Pitt, to ask for their advice and to secure possible recommendations in the fall. And I'm also going to email the English chair at Tufts, who had me for a class during the semester I left, and see if he has any advice, particularly about reapplying to Tufts and the odds that a reapplication will get readmission.

I'm afraid. I know I'm "still young" -- although people have been telling me that now for over a decade, so I can't nearly be as young as I once was -- but I feel like this is it, my Last Chance, that if I don't get something out of this, I'm going to be doomed to a life of sub-par occupation in retail and I will really and truly be nothing more than squandered potential, flailing in the stagnated, Cro-magnon waters of sub-suburban "life." And I think the scariest thought I've ever had, the thing I'm most afraid of in life, is that this is it. That living in my parents' attic, with virtually no friends and literally no loves, in a dead-end minimum-wage part-time retail job is it. It's enough to drive me insane.

Anyway... thoughts on potential schools, on the process, on ways I can improve my application, etc. are all welcomed. Chop chop!

New Moon

So, normally I wouldn't post so quickly after such an important preceding post (see following post).

But I'm watching New Moon. It's horrible. I can't even put into words how horrible it is. I literally laugh out loud after every second line, because they're all so bad. It's all so emo and overdone and... just bad. Seriously, the script is horrible. HORRIBLE.

And why is Jacob ALWAYS shirtless? Not that I'm complaining, but does being a werewolf mean no-shirts-allowed? Srsly.

I think my favorite part is when Taylor Lautner, post-buff, sneaks into Bella's room, all hot and sweaty and tan and shirtless, and she's like, "Let's run away together!" And he's like, "You'd do that? WIth me?" It's like... SRSLY?!? No, I would definitely *not* run away with the hottest dude ever, who is shirtless and tan and sweaty and buff. Definitely not, no.

Also, I don't think I'm insane in saying that the werewolves are rather obviously big fat homosexuals. I'm not suggesting that the people behind the movie intended to make being a werewolf analogous to being a big gay homo, and I'm certainly not even harboring the notion that Stephenie Meyer even knows what an analogy is, but... they're gay. Gay gay gay.

Let's see. Jacob really wants to be with this girl, but he can't because he's forced into a relationship with a bunch of hot, shirtless, buff men. And then, when Bella says, "Can't you just change it?", Jacob responds with, "It's not a lifestyle choice, Bella! I was born this way. I can't help it! This is who I am!" And then, as if that's not bad enough, Bella channels idiotic Catholicism and says, "It's not what you are. It's what you do!"

And I'm not even going to go into the whole idea of 'slipping up and losing control for one second' (the werewolves get very angry) and hurting your loved one (for the wolves, by cutting their faces apparently... for the gays, by infecting them with AIDS).

Gay gay gay gay gay.

Also, I'd just like to say Taylor Lautner is incredibly hot and I seriously want to die every time he's on the screen.

Also, Bella as a character is repulsive. She's weak and passive and suicidal. She's a moron, because she can't see that Jacob and Edward are THE EXACT SAME PERSON, only one wants to eat her and one just wants to rip her to shreds. She's a spoiled brat who causes trouble on purpose, and she falls apart the moment she doesn't have a guy in her life, which means she's sad and pathetic and, as I already said, weak. She's probably the most detestable character I've ever met in a movie or a book. Seriously. Vomit.

It's all just so bad. Horrible. HORRIBLE! But I can't quit watching it, partly because I want to boink Taylor Lautner's brains out and partly because I like Alice and want to be her friend. I also like Victoria and want to be her friend, and I keep secretly hoping she manages to eat Bella. Which is how the fucking thing should end.

Oh wait. Edward's back in the movie. He just had his 298347928347th emo scene, even though he's only been in the movie for like five minutes. He broke a cell phone.

And now, in traditional Stephenie Meyer fashion, the plot abruptly changes and there's suddenly an action sequence at the very end to cap a boring-ass piece-of-shit plot.

WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS SHIT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I mean, I can see how it's enticing to watch -- obviously, I can't quit watching it -- but... how can they not see how horrible it is? I mean... it's HORRIBLE!