i was stuck in a cycle staggering slowly on ahead

[rightangles]

I'm going to try and take a break from gaming for a bit. I get too annoyed at virtual people too easily, and it's not healthy. There's literally nothing holding my interest in WoW anymore, and I enjoy SC2, but nobody plays with me when I ask, and that's half the reason I get so annoyed. I feel so underappreciated there, so second string, so unloved... and that's pathetic! I know you're thinking it, and you're right! It is! I can't believe I feel neglected and unloved by random strangers who live thousands of miles away and who refer to me as "Yins" or "Punctuation" rather than my name! I need help. So I'm trying to quit. I don't know how long I'll be able to stay away, but at least I'm trying.

Perhaps if I can occupy myself with other things, like television and literature and writing, I'll be able to manage an extended absence. It'd be nice if I had real-life people with whom to spend time, because without gaming I'm going to have literally no socialization. (This is where I would normally insert a reference to my current crush, MAW, and how he should talk to me and date me so I have something to distract me from my gaming addiction, but since I'm also trying to work myself out of obsessing over things I can't have, like boyfriends, I'm going to leave out the reference. Look at me making progress already!)

I suppose I can also start trying to work on grad school stuff. I need to set dates for the GREs, I need to figure out if I even need to take the GRE Lit, I need to study for these tests. I need to rewrite my personal statement, and I need to decide which essay to use and then I need to revise that essay. I need to start recruiting recommendations, and I need to start remembering how to send transcripts, and then I need to start selling my body and/or blood and/or plasma and/or sperm so I can afford all the application/testing fees, and then I need to figure out who at each school I need to sleep with so I can actually get into one of them. GOOD TIMES!

In news of a vastly different direction: It's been just over four days since the applications were due for the teaching position at Penn State I'd really like to get. Granted, I'd turned my application way before the deadline, but most people say they probably won't have even begun to go through them until after the deadline. I'm seriously considering emailing the woman in a day or two, but I'm not entirely sure what to say. It's too late to use the "Just verifying you got my application!" excuse, and I'm not entirely sure if it's good form to ask when I can expect an interview, so perhaps I'll just say something about reaffirming my interest in the position and offering any other materials she may need to help in her decision? I have no idea. I'm so bad at this shit. I hate business tact. Professionalism to me seems like such a waste of time and energy. It's almost a form of deceit. What I want to say is, "Hey, can I get an interview? Am I still in the running? WHY NOT?" but instead I have to camouflage it in a bunch of limp cant, and I hate it. Stupi, stupid, stupid, stupid!

It's been about four minutes since I decided to take a break from gaming and I'm already thinking about logging on. Good Lord, I'm so weak!

I'm stuck in a rut with Eternity. I just finished 7.5, which takes place on a lake, and the next major scene takes place several days later in the capital city of Zebelli. Things happen in between that I'd like to mention, but they're not important enough to demand individual scenes, and I'm not sure how to handle the summarizing, how to get from the lake to tZebelli on he third day of the Martyrday celebration, which is when and where the next scene needs to take place. I keep telling myself, "Just write it, even if it's bad! Just write it!" but I'm a perfectionist and I'm not so good with doing things when I know I'm not doing them as well as I could or should be.

As you know, I have a crush on a certain random (Is the phrase 'certain random' an oxymoron?) customer at Borders, and despite signs suggesting he's possibly gay, I've decided to give up hope because I've realized I'm not... I'm not... now I'm struggling for words. I think to myself, "Even if he is gay, why would he like me?" And I don't mean that in a woe-is-me, self-deprecating sort of way. I can't drive. I have oodles of debt and no real job. I live with my parents. That's three huge strikes, and let's face it, I'm not cute enough or charming enough or exciting enough to make those strikes go away. So why would he -- or anyone, for that matter -- want to date someone like me? As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as I want a boyfriend and I want to go on dates and all that silly cheesy stuff, I think I have to face the fact that I'm simply not ready for a relationship yet. The sad thing is I'm not sure if I'll ever be.

(Yes, there is a huge part of me that's fighting this realization, that's saying "You need to meet someone who can help you out of your rut, who can give you the fire under your ass you need to fix things!" And it's true, I think. If I had a guy I cared about helping me along, being my cheerleader, giving me a reason to fix things... I think it'd be a lot easier to do it. But I'm not fucking Sleeping Beauty. I shouldn't need a prince to save me, right? Right!)

(Even as I say that, I'm still thinking I'd like one and probably won't save myself without it. This whole thing is a vicious Catch-22, and I hate it. Can't get a boyfriend without a Real Life, can't get a Real Life without a boyfriend. Fuck everything!)

Oh, well! I suppose I'll go look into finding something edible, and then perhaps I'll watch the So You Think You Can Dance episode from tonight. My DVD player is on the fritz, and so if I want to watch movies or television shows, I have to sit on my ass on this hard chair at my computer, and I'm not too keen on that. I could also read, or I could work on any of that grad school stuff I mentioned, or I could try and work myself out of the Eternity rut. See, Matt? You have lots of things to do that don't involve Internet gaming! SO DO THEM!

EDIT TO ADD: I just experienced an ad for non-paid users on LiveJournal, and even when I clicked CLOSE, it kept on going. Fuck that shit. LiveJournal has totally gone to the shitter. Why don't we all go to dreamwidth now, okay? I'd go myself, but I'll miss you. All two of you that still read and leave comments. :-P

Comments

[activecadre.livejournal.com]

Well, I certainly can't provide much help on all the other fronts (I suck), but my boyfriend would definitely play Starcraft with you.

I keep forgetting about Dreamwidth. I think the only thing LJ has going for it is the fact that so many of us are too lazy to switch over.

[mm511.livejournal.com]

Dammit! I still have to do the critique for you, too! I'll add that to my List of Shit To Prevent Me From Playing Video Games. :-)

Yeah, I actually like dreamwidth a lot. I have a writing journal there that I keep. The tag system is amazing! I cannot, however, type dreamwidth without first typing dreamdwidth and then having to backspace. Literally. Even when I type it very, very slowly... that extra d still appears.

[activecadre.livejournal.com]

Haha! Considering I had one critter give up on my novel entirely, I don't mind. Hell, I understand. I took forever to critique a novel that was a fraction of the size. It was a good story, too, so I don't know what my problem was. Procrastination is so addictive.

[mm511.livejournal.com]

As I started to settle my fingers onto the homerow keys to respond to your comment, I thought, "No, I'll do it tomorrow," but then I read your last line about procrastination, and I felt chastised, so here I am now. Breaking the cycle, dammit!

I've only really critiqued one novel in its entirety. It was for Critters, that listserv writing circle or whatever, and the novel was interesting, albeit poorly written, and I wrote so much to help the author improve the novel. I mean, my critiques were epic! I talked about character development, and plot structure, and how fiction has to feel more real than reality, and theme and intent, and blah blah blah, and the author's only response was something along the lines of "Everything you said is useless because this isn't pleasure-reading but rather a primer on Platonic philosophy." Not in so many words, of course, but that was the gist. I was so angry. I'm still recuperating.

ANYWAY, I know you won't do that, because if UNMANNED was a primer on Platonic philosophy, you'd've told me by now... right?!

(Your novel does seem very long! The one I just mentioned was like a third of yours, and it still felt like it took forever. I know, based just on what I've read of yours from the fcrit days, that yours is better written, so that's a plus. And now I know how people will feel when they open up ETERNITY IN AN HOUR and see that it's 2398472983479873 pages of dren.)

But have no fear! I'll get around to it one of these days, dammit!

[activecadre.livejournal.com]

Oh, if you haven't started yet, I can give you a better version. After I sent you your current version, I reread it and was like, "What? I thought I fixed that plothole!" Grr.

But, yeah, I'd like to think I'm much more gracious about receiving feedback. Even primers on Platonic philosophy shouldn't be painful to read. :D

[snippetygiblets.livejournal.com]

Ok some random thoughts......

With the job application I am almost 100% sure they won't start sorting the applications until the deadline is over. In the library where I worked we weren't allowed to. I was one of the people in charge of producing a shortlist, and it took ages, because I had to do it in addition to my usual duties, then get it signed off by a committee of managers who all had different commitments and were only free at the same time once in a blue moon, and who would then argue the toss about the shortlist ad nauseam over 3 such meetings &c &c - you get the picture ? I would leave it two weeks from the deadline and then if you haven't heard, write & reiterate your interest etc.

You should totally get cracking on your grad school stuff and on Eternity. Go to it right now. If you want to write a bunch of stuff, or send me what you've got so far to read through I'd be more than happy to do so (because I'm dying to read what happens next even though I kind of know !!!). Also happy to read through your personal statement & essay if it helps.

Now, you know that wonderful man ? The gay one who's into literature and gaming, and cheesy dates ? The one who is intelligent and romantic and sensitive ? The one for whom you'd turn your life around ?? Yeah ? Well it's YOU, Matt !! You need to do these things for yourself. Because you respect yourself and want to be the best Matt you can be. If you don't currently feel like someone you (or folks you have a crush on) would want to date then you need to work on stuff to turn you into that dateable person. You already know what you need to do. You have the inner resources once you set to and make a start. I have every faith in you.

Ok bollocking over. I'm off to wash Tal's mouldy bath toys in detergent. Bet your day is better than that ! :0)

[mm511.livejournal.com]

I agree with everything you said, the only exception being a heavy dose of skepticism directed at the last bit about "being the best Matt I can be." I know what you're saying, and probably when I'm not feeling so down and out I'd agree with you, but lately I just don't know. I feel like at the moment I'm floating out in the middle of the ocean. Not drowning, perhaps, but not really going anywhere, either. But that's okay, because there's no real reason to go anywhere. There's nothing and there's no one at shore, you know?, so why not just stay out here and bob? Perhaps if I knew there were someone back on land waiting for me, I'd start to kick a little... but I need to know I'm not going to get wherever I'm supposed to go and still feel just as wet and weightless as I do out here bobbing in the ocean.

Wow. Does any of that even make sense??! I should totally go to bed.

PS: I wrote a very little bit of ETERNITY tonight. Not much at all, but progress is progress, I guess. I'll just have to earmark this scene as one that needs improvement. It's rather a big deal, so it's probably going to end up getting split into multiple scenes. But yeah... soon, maybe, you'll get to read it. I hope.)

[snippetygiblets.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. But sometimes you remind me of the old Richard Bach quote "argue for your limitations and sure enough they are yours.". It's as though you're really adept at finding reasons why something won't work, or you wouldn't like it, or they wouldn't like you before you've tried. I know it's because you've had a lot of setbacks but you *have* to keep going because (to use another trite cliche) this is life and not a rehearsal :0)